Fantasy Balconies and Peach Bellini’s
If I had it all
What does the If-I-Had-It-All Me even look like?
Does she still have wild and disheveled hair? Is she prettier? Is she smarter? Is she funnier? Is she hot? (insert fire emoji here)… Is she still *looking*? Is she kind? Is she smiling? Is she happy? … Is she still me?
I see that me sipping coffee (and sometimes Peach Bellini’s) on various bedroom balconies during sunny mornings. In different time zones and different continents. Balconies that overlook big and small cities… old and new architecture… rushing rivers… dewy forests... multiple beaches along the shores of the seven seas. And silky robes and sunglasses for sure.
I see a life where I am always up to something different, where I am learning, challenged, or helping others in some way. I would surround myself with high energy overthinkers…. people that inspire me and that I can learn from and with. Even if I have to pay them. Actually, scratch that — I expect to pay them — but I will only pay people that I like anyway, so it’s a win-win.
I would hire a ridiculously attractive personal trainer named either Marco or Lorenzo. He would coach me in Pilates, yoga, and kickboxing. He and his boyfriend would know to ignore my inevitable bratty fits and remind me that I wanna be “Hot with a Capital H”. He would push me past my self-perceived limits and call me out on my bullshit, too.
As a bonus, Marco (or Lorenzo) would chuckle when I called him an Italian Stallion and only minimally roll his eyes when I flirted. He would micromanage my macronutrients to increase my stamina and energy… all while keeping me inspired with his ridiculously sexy chest and shoulders. The three of us would have brunch together after and talk about how abs on women are overrated anyway. I would help plan their destination wedding.
I would hire a retired yet still beefy national park ranger who was also an Eagle Scout. He would be my hiking guru and nature/wildlife tour guide. We would ride around in a topless Jeep Wrangler wearing safari hats and cargo shorts. He would school me on the various flora and fauna of the land. We would do an outdoor survival boot camp kind of thing, and I would learn how to shoot an arrow, tie knots, predict the weather, and stay away from bears.
He wouldn’t be irritated in the slightest by my repetitive excitement over the moon and stars each night. We would hike trails by day and camp in simple cozy tents. I would fall asleep to the sounds of a babbling brook and crickets and then wake when the birds started their song. Just before dawn, we would have fireside coffee while we make breakfast and he uses the satelite phone to check in with his grandkids. He would be amazed at how I always wake up in a good mood — even when it’s rainy.
I would hire a brilliant editor who is also a writing coach. He would track all the projects and ideas that I have. He would push me to focus on the right projects and also find opportunities that I wouldn’t have found on my own. He would learn to appreciate the odd way that I share my wordless and abstract thinking out loud as it helps me make sense of it. He would help me research topics by planning outings. I would bring the coffee.
He would challenge me with daring topics and tight deadlines. He would be meticulous and ferocious when editing my work, leaving bright red pen marks all over the place. He would know that even though I am a bit of a brat, I have no interest in being appeased… that I would become very suspicious if he didn’t offer criticism. He would invite me to his house for dinner with his family to make sure that I knew that his criticisms weren’t personal. I would Uber home after nights full of wine and family board games.
I would hire a broody and handsome tenured philosophy professor who also happens to be a mindset coach. We will sip herbal teas and read famous authors from times long ago. He will treat me just like a regular student and won’t tire of my endless curiosity. He will always answer my questions with a question, laughing when I get frustrated. He would make me see the hard truths and bear witness to my growth and I would look for peace of mind into my old age. I may even find it.
He will guide me through multiple forms of meditation, visualization, and relaxation. He will coach me through my self-limiting beliefs and call me out on my bullshit. We will play with his grandkids for distraction from the dark topics, and he will challenge my worldviews to increase my self awareness. I will sit still in thought and he will sit silently beside me, helping me iron out the crumpled thoughts that put creases on my forehead and tears on my cheeks.
Of course alone and quiet time is inevitable. I would make soaps and holistic salves from my luscious flower and herb gardens. I would read. I would paint on an easel set up in an airy and spacious third floor studio. There would be acrylics, oils, and watercolors, too. There would be paint brushes everywhere and multiple projects in various stages of completion strewn across the studio. I would wear an old painters shirt and paint memories onto fresh white canvases. I would gift art and soaps to everyone that I ever loved.
I would take bubble baths and sip custom cocktails while cello music plays in surround sound. From my tub, I would watch the clouds over treetops while overlooking the green canopy forest outside of my window. And I would go to sleep and wake up and do something similar but all together different the next day… and the next, and the day after that.